Wow! This weekend was a doozy. Fritz was in full force hellion mode. I could easily blame it on a number of things, the winter break, birthday mania and the winter blahs but you know what, I’m going to go ahead and blame us for this. You see BD and I had an epiphany in the car ride home from our friends house in Connecticut, where we were hanging out for the weekend. Fritz was pretty much being an obnoxious brat the entire time and this was after we spent Saturday afternoon at Medieval Times for his Birthday (more on that later). What we thought was going to be a fun weekend turned into a crying, nerve grating, begging for everything shit storm. So not only did we drag our friends to the magical place that is Medieval Times to celebrate a birthday gone awry, we then brought our incessantly tantruming, bratty and overall annoying kid to their house for the weekend. I was embarrassed.
I don’t blame Fritz for this. I can’t. We have taught him that if he tantrums enough we will eventually reward him for finally doing what we ask. We do this by way of negotiations and bribery. It’s not always like this but I do see a pattern forming. It’s become that just by doing the things that he should be doing like, eating his food, putting on clothes, coming or going from some place becomes a struggle, which then erupts into a tantrum, in which we then try to stop by offering a treat if he just does said task at hand.
When we were leaving our friends house this weekend the first incident was that he didn’t want to go. Next we had to drag him to the car then we said if he chilled out he would get chocolate milk. After that he proceeded to say ‘I want chocolate milk’ over and over and over then began to cry when he didn’t get it right then and there. And that was it, we realized what was going on. Bing! We had been rewarding bad behavior. So the more he tantrumed over every little thing the more ‘treats’ he got in the long run. Woah!
After a bit of discussion we then we realized that the other technique we we’re totally abusing was using threats and not following through. Do you know how many times last week I told him to stop doing ‘this or that’ or we weren’t going to Midevil Times? At least a dozen, probably more. But in actuality there was no way we weren’t going to Medieval Times; I had already bought the tickets. Duh. Threats are tossed around for everything yet we rarely follow through with them. Big mistake, huge!
Now we’re working on our families ten crack commandments if you will. One day you just realize that if you don’t lay down the law these kid will walk all over you. Our day was yesterday! So, BD and I came up with a few rules and we’re going to essentially set them in stone and add to the list as necessary. We will convene to discuss new rules and be on the same page regarding discipline. No good cop bad cop up in here. Parenting, ain’t it a bitch.
Our first rule is, no rewards for things we ask to be done or necessities like eating, getting dressed, cleaning up ect. Rewards come from positive behavior. They are not used as negotiation tools to try to get the kid to do something he should be doing anyway. Rewards will be dolled out on a whim for things like creating something awesome, helping around the house or having a really great day. In lue of bribing with a reward there will be a warning of a punishment such as, time out on the stairs or going to his room. If the bad behavior continues the punishment is followed through with imediatly. It’s all about the follow through. It’s not easy and it takes commitment because it is obviously a disruption to whatever your doing too. In just twenty-four hours of my new no holds bared attitude I’m already seeing results. One point for mommy.
Secondly, the threats are over. We vow never to make a threat we won’t follow through with. I have threatened everything from leaving a friends house to leaving him on the side of the highway. In doing this my word means nothing. In hind sight I realize that this is pure laziness. Discipline and punishing is hard work. Period. It’s far easier to yell and make threats but it just doesn’t work.
That’s really all I’ve got so far. I know as each new situation arises new rules will be put into action but I feel really good about the realization that I need to parent, harder, better, faster, stronger. There is no easy way around it. Kids need to be lead by us. If we become lazy and let them try to figure it out for themselves, yelling from behind our computers, or books or whatever project we have going on, they will be led astray. I want my good Fritz all the time or at least 85% of the time and that’s why I’m gonna get up, figure it out and nip this shit in the bud before it’s too late. Viva la revolution!
Samantha Moeller is a mom, entrepreneur and good time girl all rolled into one. She founded Missbehave Magazine and The Hipster Mom. Her hobbies include popping bottles, warming bottles, playing pat-a-cake, night clubbing, shopping for expensive bags & shoes and looking super cute. She is currently residing in Queens with her husband and son Fritz.
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