On last nights episode of Boardwalk Empire the character Billie quoted her father saying “Always on the move but going nowhere fast.” Those words struck a cord. It’s Fall again and it seems that this time every year I am in the same place. Here I am, writing what feels like the same words I’ve written before. Why do I feel so unsettled? And what exactly am I expecting to happen? I have no idea. Once again my life feels at a stand still. But maybe it is supposed to be. Maybe I am supposed to be firmly planted in the same place so I can be the foundation for my children to move forward. I have so many questions of myself that I am trying to get answered. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? And what is to become of me? Maybe it is that “I “am not “I “anymore. “I” have turned into “we”, “us” and “them”.
That occurred to me just now as I am writing this. I suppose sometimes that is why I keep this thing. Blogging, it’s here to workshop my soul! A diary for all to see! Yes, I’ve been asking myself what am I doing here, with this place, where over the past years I’ve poured my heart out, confessed, giggled and mocked. How long do I keep this up? Is it time to retire from this place and bow out gracefully? If I am anything, it is that I am a bundle of confusion and uncertainty. Desperately seeking myself. This is my life so I might as well keep adding it to the journal.
Lately things have been, well, tricky. I’ve entered another realm of parenting. One where children require every iota of my attention. One where I must figure out the psychology of my children to understand where they are coming from. This one hates school and that one must do everything on her own. I’ve had to grab a hold of my emotions and harness them to not react how I instinctively wish to. I seek help by educating myself on discipline and structure. I’ve had to change by behaviors to help my children’s behaviors. It’s all been rather taxing.
After this weekend I feel like once again my head is above water. I am out of the dark, but hardly out of the wild, wild forest. This is going to go on for years, so I am bracing myself. One thing I do know is that it is never too late to be there for your kids. It is never too late to re-train, re-work and influence their lives. Recently I looked at my son and watched a nervous habit he had and I thought “I did that to you.” Then I thought to myself “now it’s my job to fix it.” So that is what I am doing. I may not be working in the traditional sense of the word. I make no money. I have no 401K and my benefits are sentimental. But come to think of it, I am probably “working” harder than I ever have in my whole life.
Maybe I’ve answered my own questions here. Who am I? I am a mom. What am I doing with my life? I am raising my children. What is to become of me? Well, that one is still a little tricky, but the goal is that I will have two well rounded individuals at the end of the day. I will have two people who love their lives and who have been given every opportunity I can provide for them. It really is all about them. So when am I going to get that through my thick skull?
Bare with me here. Is that being a mom is too ordinary of a job title? I don’t feel ordinary. I never have. It’s like being a plumber, a bus driver or a meter maid. All commendable jobs that must be done, but oh so dull. As a mother you blend in. I’ve always wanted to stand out. You are one of many on the playground or in line at the grocery store. Maybe it’s time to shift perception. PTA president! Local book club organizer! Scrapbooker extraordinaire! What is fullfilling within the realms of what is real? Now I have a new set of questions. When am I going to accept what I have become? When am I going to take pride in this job? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.